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Married but lonely, I miss my children

My husband and I are in our 40s and have been married for 15 years.  Our children are in boarding school and therefore, we are left just the two of us. As a wife, I feel disconnected and can’t wait for my children to come home for holiday. I am lonely.  There is hardly any physical intimacy and my husband doesn’t feel bothered. Is it okay to have a male friend I can talk to without being sexually involved?  Please assist. I’m tired of being in a lonely marriage? 


Thank you Miriam for reaching out.  We have noted that more and more couples are having less and less sex with a good percentage being in what is considered a sexless marriage (sex 10 times or less a year). In most of those situations, it’s often the husband’s decision. This is contrary to what society has made us to believe that sexlessness in a marriage is because of women being “frigid”. 

There can be various reasons a husband may lose interest in sex. It can be because of low testosterone levels or stress due to pressure at work or family obligations. There are certain medications as well that affect a man’s sex drive. There’s also the possibility that when the children were young, you as a mother was too busy with them and he felt neglected. He may then have developed a coping mechanism to keep himself distracted and now that you are available, he doesn’t know how to adjust. 

He might be hurt too

You should not jump to any conclusions without first trying to have a conversation with him about your situation. In talking with him, realise that this is a sensitive topic to any man. Men rarely talk about their inner life more so, if things are not happening in this area of their life. They instead brag about such things and so, when they are not able to perform, they shy away from it. It most likely hurts him as well, but he just doesn’t know how to talk about it. Therefore, approach him in such a way that he feels comfortable and safe. Talk about your concern and what you like and want as opposed to telling him what he should do or what he is not doing. If you can convince him that you see someone else to help you have this conversation, the better.

Dangerous path

Having a male friend, even if you are not sexually involved is dangerous. At this particular season, you are vulnerable and so need to be very careful lest you jeopardise your efforts in making the grass green on your side. Focus for now on your marriage, check on what has happened in the recent past that might have caused this disconnect from your side. Let your man know that you want him, that you appreciate, admire and respect him. Look for common activities that you both can enjoy and make time for each other. Hopefully, the spark will be reignited and things may just go back to what they used to be.


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